Depression is a relationship killer. It destroys emotional and physical intimacy and often drives partners in separate directions — creating isolation and loneliness. It can turn previously intimate companions into distant, unkind strangers.
The numbers bear out the destruction that depression can cause. Recent studies indicate that
• 40% of couples who seek counseling for marital distress have a partner battling depression
• Divorce is 9 times more likely when one partner suffers from depression
While the specific effects of depression differ from relationship to relationship, there are distinctive patterns that tend to emerge in couples where one partner is depressed and yet, when previously attentive, warm, loving partners turn irritable, angry, and distant …their partners aren’t likely to recognize it as a sign of depression.
The depressed partner often devalues themself and their relationships. They frequently become critical, sullen, and pessimistic.
And they are commonly confused about their own feelings – one day they need their partner desperately, the next day they don’t think they ever loved their significant other, and more often than not — they don’t know how they feel. This confusion often leads to withdrawal from the relationship.
Being the spouse or partner of someone with depression is also challenging. “One of the loneliest places to be is with a depressed partner.”
There are certain stages non-depressed partners tend to go through in response to the changes in their mate. The first stage is confusion about what has altered the relationship and why their partner is so different.
That stage is followed by self-blame;
“Why can I no longer make my spouse happy?”
“What did I do that made them pull away?”
And then demoralization at the inability to improve things over time;
“I am a failure as a partner if my spouse is always so lonely and sad.”
“I try and try but I can’t make things any better.”
This can eventually lead to resentment and a desire to escape.
Which in turn feeds the vulnerability and fear of the depressed partner;
“I’m not worthy of love, not a good spouse, and your frustration with me confirms that.”
So they become more isolated and alone.
The dynamic depression creates becomes difficult to break. Both partners keep triggering vulnerabilities in the other – and driving each other further and further away.
Depression creates isolation, and few things destroy a relationship quicker than living without a connection to your partner. Thinking that you don’t matter to your spouse; feeling unloved and unwanted by your mate; knowing that you are no longer appreciated and cherished by your lover – these are some of the feelings that can be created by living in a cycle of depression.
But the good news is that depression is treatable! Relationships damaged by withdrawal and neglect can be repaired and restored. If you suspect depression is impacting your marriage – get help. Find a qualified counselor to assist you in exploring the challenges to your relationship.
If you recognize yourself in the pattern above, find a therapist to help you identify options and solutions for treating depression as well as re-engaging with one another.
Your future and your relationship are worth it!
“We never have sex anymore. I feel rejected…unloved…alone.”
“It’s like we’re roommates. We rarely make love, and when we do it’s passionless — we’re just going through the motions.”
As therapists, we hear these types of statements often – from both wives and husbands (don’t believe the stereotypes). And we know that sexual satisfaction is a significant contributor to overall relationship contentment. Simply put, when a partner is unhappy with their sex life, they are generally unhappy with the relationship.
We also know that sexual intimacy and connection can be difficult terrain for couples to navigate. Each partner brings into the relationship their beliefs and expectations about what their sex life will look like. And typically, each partner defines sexual satisfaction differently.
In his new book Do Over, Jon Acuff points out that as kids we believed we had the power to declare a “Do Over” when we wanted to start again. http://acuff.me/do-over/
When we missed the mark, we’d just start over. If we miss-hit the ball, we’d yell out “Do Over” and try again. When the drawing wasn’t quite right, we’d crumple up the paper, throw it away, grab a new sheet and start again. We didn’t give a second thought to making a second attempt.
Jon points out that somewhere along the way we stopped believing in the power to declare a “Do Over.” He describes so eloquently what happens — We feel stuck. We stop opening doors. We start to think we already know where they all lead.
That describes so many couples who come to counseling. They have stopped reaching toward one another and asking for what they need from each other because they believe they already know what the response will be. And the fear of being ignored or rejected again is more painful than simply suffering in silence. more
“What’s the reason most relationships fail? Is it affairs, boredom, lack of sex, lack of communication?” That’s the question I’m asked most often.
As any experienced therapist can tell you, couples come to therapy for a multitude of reasons. The list will not surprise you – conflict over finances, sex, and in-laws; challenges with roles in marriage, work-life balance, parenting, and the transition to being empty-nesters. Sometimes, it’s in preparation for marriage and sometimes it’s to make one last attempt “at saving our relationship.”
Zach Brittle who is a therapist and contributor to the Gottman Blog writes that the thing he hears most often is, “We’re having trouble communicating.” I hear that often as well. And one thing is certain, when couples have trouble communicating – when you don’t feel heard or understood it quickly leads to a lack of connection. And being disconnected makes even the simplest issues difficult.
The Hollywood version of connection, passion and romance is based on grand gestures — meeting at the top of the Empire State building to gaze into each other’s eyes, a whirlwind trip to a private island, renting out a restaurant for a private dinner, (add your own favorite movie scene here). But in reality we know that connection is built in the more mundane moments of life.